i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
