You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
