so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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