none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
