i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize