I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize