the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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