I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
