sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
