I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
