i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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