I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
