Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I checked into jail on foursquare
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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