smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I checked into jail on foursquare
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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