Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Randomize
