when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
