Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This is the prime rib incident all over again
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
