then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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