I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
