My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
