Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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