Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Success! We fucked roommates!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
