You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
