I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
