I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
