I'm going to jail i love you
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
