i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is classic penis vs brain.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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