I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
