I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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