ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
