literally had 100 drinks last night.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
