Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone signed my nipple.
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