Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
