If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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