$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
