Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
