I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
