some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you never un-have a 4some
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
