I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
