Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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