I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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