Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
