You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
