Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
