Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
