Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the condom got lost in my hair
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
