just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
