I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
