i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
