Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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