New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
