i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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