im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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