i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
