maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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