if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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